The stats are in. Families living with special needs are anywhere from 1.15 to 1.84 times more likely not to attend church. These special needs include autism, learning disabilities, traumatic brain injury, speech problems, and more. (See the study results from this Key Ministry blog post by Steve Grcevich.) And a moderately decent number of churches are actually trying to do something about it. But behind these numbers are real people. Real church leaders. Real laypeople. Real moms and dads, grandparents, and foster families caring for kids with special needs who want to go to church. There are real youth pastors and children’s ministry leaders who are meeting to ask questions about how to reach out to these unreached or unengaged families (not necessarily for lack of desire). They’re questioning how to be more inclusive, and they’re defining what that means for their church community. There are exhausted and weary parents sitting together at 4:26 am over seriously strong coffee because that’s when their kid wakes up every morning, asking themselves if they can do it this week. Will their daughter be able to tolerate the music during corporate worship? Will their son just sit and do puzzles in a corner during Sunday school? Will leaders even try to engage them?

What if there’s a meltdown?

What if she has a seizure?

What if my 13-year-old has an accident during youth group game time? 

And behind all the questions of both church leaders and families lie five simple principles. These shared concerns, if addressed well, will enable church leaders to win the hearts and trust of the families they’re trying to reach and will prove to families that church leaders really do care. So, what is it that we all truly want?

1. We want our kids to be safe.

This seems like a no-brainer. But it’s an absolutely necessary first step for churches to take before any parent registers their child or leaves them with someone who may very well be the sweetest person in the whole wide world, but is nonetheless a perfect stranger to both parent and child. We can’t just take your word for it. Have you seen the news?! While we know you can’t guarantee that nothing bad will happen to my child, you can go to great lengths to ensure his safety.

This may mean additional sign-in/sign-out precautions you don’t yet have in place. This may mean budgeting for better check-in technology. This may mean extra time spent in training your team to deal with medical fragility, EpiPens, seizure med administration, tube-feeding, etc. This may mean additional volunteers every Sunday morning. Do what you must, but please, we beg you, keep our children safe.

2. We want our kids to be welcomed.

Have you ever walked into a new place, looking around for someone to help you, only to see that everyone seems to be preoccupied with talking to someone else? Have you walked into a meeting—perhaps even int church—and experienced people not looking at you, or if they do, immediately looking away without engaging with you? It’s not very comfortable. You immediately get a sense that you don’t belong, or that this group doesn’t care you’re there. It’s one reason I love Moe’s restaurant. Yeah, you read that right. Every time a customer walks through their doors, they yell out, “Welcome to Moe’s!” regardless of what they’re doing. How can you make sure families that walk into your doors feel as welcomed as hungry Moe’s patrons? (Believe me, the families who come to your church are hungry for something more than chips and tacos.) Here’s one word: smile.

Facial expressions are the easiest and cheapest form of engagement with other people. It doesn’t cost you words, good grammar, or even sanitized hands (though those are all excellent and encouraged ideas too.) Simply smiling at a person automatically lowers their defenses. It tells them they are safe with you. And, seriously, who wouldn’t want to try to break down the psychological walls of Mr. Angry Eyes who just went through a sensory battle with their kid 15 minutes before he walked into church? I was once a part of a church that received negative feedback after a visit one Sunday morning. The comment? “Your church was too friendly.” If you’re going to get negative feedback, aim for the most positive negative feedback possible. Smiling will help.

3. We want our kids to be included. 

Now wait, “Isn’t that the same thing as welcomed?” I hear you, but no, it’s not. Welcoming says, “Hi, we want you to come inside.” Included means “Hi, come inside and be a part of us.” Included means not isolating out a child because they have unique needs or their mental ability doesn’t match their age. Included means working alongside a child with unique needs and helping them to participate as part of a group. We can encourage inclusion as part of our teacher training, but it’s mainly common sense. How would you feel if you were forced into a room with a group of people for an hour, and no one wanted to sit by you? How would you feel if no one said, “Hey! Come play or sit with us!” Not only do you not feel welcomed, but you also feel left out… or left to eat the black jelly beans all by yourself, because the black jelly beans are gross and you’re weird for eating them, so no one wants you to sit at their table (This may or may not be a true story from my childhood).

The biggest piece of the inclusion puzzle is not training teachers and buddies. Rather, it’s fostering an environment of inclusion by shepherding kids to include new friends. One way to do this is to pair together a new child with special needs with a child who is good at being friendly and engaging, good at bringing someone else in. Help your regular-attending kids find a common interest with a child who is visiting or has moved up into that class recently. Teach the kids how to engage those who are different than themselves. Parents aren’t the only ones who can help typically-developing kids work on their social skills.

4. We want our kids to be accommodated.

Accommodation goes hand in hand with inclusion, as true inclusion enables all individuals to participate as fully as possible. First, think basic accessibility. If a child arrives in a wheelchair, is there space at the table? Could a child play with a fidget to calm their anxiety? Maybe it means allowing a child to draw while you’re teaching the lesson because they need to do something with their hands. Perhaps accommodation involves placing a buddy with a child as a one-on-one aide to help them during class time or to take the child down the hallway for a walk if they get overstimulated. Most parents are more than happy to explain what their child needs, or perhaps even what may be more difficult. This doesn’t have to break the ministry budget. But it might require some out-of-the-box thinking. And if you’re able to think like that, you will be speaking the language of a special needs parent. We don’t live in boxes and neither do our kids. Join us outside of the box!

5. Finally, we want our children to feel wanted.

Honestly, this point was the inspiration behind my post. How is feeling wanted different from being welcomed, included, and accommodated? Well, there is a difference between tolerating the presence of someone in close proximity to you, and actually desiring to sit next to them and engage with them. Would you want to go grab coffee with every stranger behind you at the grocery store? Often we don’t mind them being there, but we’re not planning to build a relationship with them. There’s a difference between politely smiling and saying the usual, “How are you?” and actually wanting to hear a genuine answer, being truly interested in the life of the person you’re talking to. There is a difference between seeing someone you know with whom you don’t mind shooting the breeze, and seeing your best friend and showing excitement when you see them because you’ve missed them and want to hang out.

This doesn’t mean our kid has to be everyone’s best friend (although we won’t begrudge them that if it happens!) But it does mean that when we see other kids inviteour kids to join an activity and they look like they’re truly enjoying the company and personality of our child, our hearts melt just a little. Our eyes tear up a little, because this is what we want for them. When a person is truly wanted, they are being loved.

The reality is, this is really and truly what we all want for ourselves, whether we acknowledge it or not. Some may hide behind pride and a confident smile, but really, we all just want to feel wanted. We want to be loved. We want to know that people look forward to seeing us. That people truly enjoy us for who we are as a person. It’s what endeared sinners to Jesus. First, he saw them. Then, he engaged them. Then, and in a most daring way, he invited himself into their home, and by doing so, he showed them he truly wantedto be with them. Because no sane person would willingly dine with those horrid sinners. No one wants to step over the threshold of a tax thief or prostitute’s home. It’s not safe.So when we see our child is truly wanted by others, they are showing everyone else who’s watching that our child is safe to be around. Our child needs to be kept safe, and not just in a physical way. We’re counting on you to help us teach the world that disability doesn’t mean unsafe.

Special needs parents are counting on the fact that church leaders understand this instinctive and basic human need to be loved by feel wanted. Because if you can understand that need, you can understand what our child needs. We’ll help you with the rest. We’ll help you figure out what kind of chair our child needs to sit in, or if they need a visual schedule, or fidgets to play with, or if they need to pace while you teach, or have if they must be fed through a tube. All of that is secondary. We can figure out such accommodations together as long as we believe that you know what it means to feel wanted, and that you’ll do everything in your power to make that a reality for our child. To be honest, we need that as parents, too.

A word for parents:

Parents, you need to know that despite misgivings, misunderstandings, and flat out total failures, there are churches, church leaders, Sunday school teachers, and youth volunteers who understand and want all of this for both you and your child. They really do want all the same things you do. Churches don’t always get it right. When do any of us always get it right? Perhaps your church can’t even articulate all of these desires. But don’t give up on them, especially if they’re trying. Find something good you can be thankful for. Start there, and build on that. A church’s ministry to special needs families may not go from “Meh.” to “Wow!” overnight; it takes time. That means perseverance. I don’t think anyone wins at perseverance like a special needs parent. That’s how we provide for our kids; it’s how we live our lives; it’s how we get to the end of every single day. That’s the hope we have. Being a part of a broken-yet-beautiful church family is worth a persevering pursuit. And remember, you’re not alone! We can keep persevering, because we have a God who persevered in his pursuit of us.

This article first appeared on the Not Alone Parenting blog at Patheos.com

The Glorious Hope video conference is for church ministry leaders and volunteers who understand the value of individuals with disabilities and want to create an inclusive and inviting culture that meets the unique needs of people with disabilities and their families. Dan Darling, Sandra Peoples, and Alix Carruth explore how the gospel values people with disabilities, help ministry leaders address specific challenges, and cast vision for the joy and possibilities of life in a special needs family. Learn more and order here for just 15 dollars.