How Trauma and Attachment Impact Children's Ministry: An Interview with Alix Carruth
Back in August, the Gospel-Centered Family team posted the video content for our first Glorious Hope conference. During the live event, we were able to chat with one of our keynote speakers, Alix Carruth, about her address, “How Trauma and Attachment Impact Children’s Ministry.” In her talk, Alix walks through three important realities: What is trauma? How does trauma affect our brain’s wiring and the way that we attach? How can we create both empathetic and affective environments in our ministries based on this knowledge?
Here are the questions we asked Alix during the conference.
GCF: I'll jump right in with questions. We need to be aware when kids are blowing their top, when their upstairs brain is going off! But what about when mom and dad (or the kids’ ministry volunteer) have also blown their top? Can you talk about what it looks like for us to self-regulate before drawing near to a child? Any tips for the stressed-out parent or volunteer?
Alix: Great question, Jared! Another way to describe that difference between upstairs and downstairs brain would be the car analogy; we use this in my foster care agency and their organization, TraumaSmart. The front seat is the thinking state, the back seat is the emotional state, and the trunk is the physical state. That flipped lid sensation, or fight/flight/freeze, happens when we're stuck in the trunk of the car. As parents and caregivers, we want to be in the front seat, using our executive function and critical thinking skills to help our emotional back seat passengers (usually our kids) or to help our kids get out of the trunk and into the back seat themselves.
Self-regulating before drawing near to a child can look like engaging our physical bodies to calm the brain’s amygdala before engaging in conversation with them; we can also do a calming activity for ourselves, away from the child, before trying to help regulate the child. There are of course scenarios where moving to a different space than the child is an unsafe or unhelpful option, but sometimes it is the better option in my experience. I think parents, volunteers, etc. really have to do the work in their own time and space to figure out how they are best regulated—independent of the child. We feel similar stresses in other areas of our life that have nothing to do with our children; and while those triggers may be milder, and our flight/fight/freeze response cycle may not last as long as it does when we're with our children or when they're dysregulated, the calming methods are similar. So we have to do the independent work of paying attention to our own physical reactions, emotional reactions, and thought cycles so that we can notice when we ourselves have moved to the back seat or trunk of the car and are able to climb our way back to the front.
GCF: Our bodies are certainly talking to us. Simply paying attention to our physical and emotional responses is so important! I don't want to react to my kids if my own blood pressure and cortisol levels are heightened. It's so important to get myself together first. Any specific strategy that helps you do this?
Alix: For me personally, I know that I’ve got to get my body moving when I hit those hyper states of stress. So if I'm sitting with my foster daughter while she's dysregulated, I’ll quietly sit near her and fidget with something to help myself remain calm. I also have those scripts like I mentioned in the video—“if I am calm, this child is calm”—that I’ll repeat on loop in my mind. Calming music is another big one for us both.
GCF: I loved when you mentioned being “seen, safe, soothed, and secure." Can you talk a bit about the relationship between attachment and faith development? How is attachment to a parent related to attachment to the Father?
Alix: Great question! I think this relates to an even broader conversation about family systems work in the therapy world, and it requires considering how our experience in our nuclear families impacts the way we view (1) God as our eternal family, (2) his role as our heavenly, perfect Father in comparison to our earthly, imperfect fathers, and (3) my place in his forever family as an adopted child in comparison to my place in my temporal family here on earth. When we’re working with children who have experienced abuse, neglect, or other forms of "big T” trauma in their lives within the context of their families, there is a huge tie to and impact upon how they view family and fatherhood in their faith development.
One of my favorite parts of the Genesis 3 story is God's response to Adam and Eve’s sin. He first pursues and cares for them before sending them out of the garden. He could have immediately banished them and removed them without conversation or without clothing them. He could have handled that situation so differently. But instead, God shows that he is a caring Father who disciplines his children out of love. He asks where Adam and Eve are; he talks to them about their choices; he makes them better clothes than they attempted to make for themselves; he explains the effects of their sinful choice, and, finally, he removes them from the garden. But so much happens before that removal! So much of God's character is on display there.
So, I think we can press into those traits of who God is as we teach children about his role as their Father, but I think we have to be sensitive and aware of the reality that many children, even those who have experienced smaller instances of “little t” trauma are going to be hearing and attempting to make meaning of these teachings through the lenses of their own family systems—through the lenses of their own fathers. God as Father is an easy thing to grasp or an easy comfort to hold onto for people who have great relationships with their earthly fathers. This isn’t a reality for all children. We have to equip our volunteers and ourselves as caregivers to practice patience in this space, to answer questions about God’s character honestly but with the fuller context of what broken attachment, abuse, neglect, etc. has done to muddy those waters and how it colors a child’s experience of God as family. It’s a long process to rewire those neuropaths, and part of a the faith journey of a child who has experienced trauma will be rewiring those same neuropaths as they try to relate to their heavenly Father as the safer, more caring, more consistent, never giving up, never leaving, never abusive, never neglectful, always there and always loving Father.
GCF: So good, Alix! The answer isn’t shying away from our teaching about God’s Fatherhood but rather pressing into it, and reaffirming how he is the perfect Father again and again—and modeling it, too.
Alix: Definitely, and the modeling is the hard part for us as parents. So, so hard.
GCF: I love these questions you gave in the video for leaders:
What is this child carrying in today?
What perceived threats may exist?
Which adult in our ministry has the relational capital to be the go-to for this child when his lid gets flipped?
How do you train team members to think this way?
Alix: Those ways of thinking are definitely easier for some of our leaders to grab hold of than others. I truly think it just takes so much practice and reminding ourselves of those things each Sunday or in each interaction with a child. Typically, that third question—who has the relational capital—is one that myself and our staff team, and our special needs team, carry the bulk of the weight of. I try to pay really close attention Sunday after Sunday to specific kids and who they are drawn to on our volunteer team. When we assign one-on-one pairings for kids in our special needs program, we are super intentional about what volunteer is assigned and try to “cocoon” that relationship in the first 4–8 weeks within the classroom. I want volunteers to feel free to connect with as many kids as they can within that one hour on Sunday; but my role as the director of those programs is to zoom out and see the bigger picture, and having that mental roster of what kid connects best to what adult is a big part of my job. That mental roster allows me to intervene in those high stress or flipped lid moments and get the right people together in a room so we can all get back to a regulated state quick than if I just arbitrarily selected a grown-up to handle the situation. Even finding a different leader or staff member than myself, if I am not the highest relational capital choice—that’s a practice, too!
GCF: Alix, thank you so much for being with us today!
The Glorious Hope video conference is for church ministry leaders and volunteers who understand the value of individuals with disabilities and want to create an inclusive and inviting culture that meets the unique needs of people with disabilities and their families. Dan Darling, Sandra Peoples, and Alix Carruth explore how the gospel values people with disabilities, help ministry leaders address specific challenges, and cast vision for the joy and possibilities of life in a special needs family. Learn more and order here for just 15 dollars.