Recently, the Gospel-Centered Family team posted the video content for our first Glorious Hope conference. During the live event, I was able to chat with one of our keynote speakers, Sandra Peoples, about her address, “The Joy and Possibilities of Life in a Special Needs Family.” In the keynote, Sandra unpacked five phases of special needs parenting from her book Unexpected Blessings (see the chart below). Here is a transcript of our conversation.

GCF: Welcome Sandra, I’m so glad you’re here. As a special needs parent, I resonate so much with your testimony that you shared in your keynote (even down to the gluten-free diet and the B-12 shots). But I know some parents who feel they have been stuck in Phase 2 for years. They’re constantly rebuilding practical rhythms and they are struggling to renew a foundation of faith? What would you say to the parent like that who feels stuck in a place of doubt?

Sandra: I agree, many parents are stuck in that phase. And the opportunity for churches to support them is huge. When churches have a strong theology of suffering and disability, they are able to teach their people. What brought me hope and healing during that time in my life was to trust what I knew to be true about God—that he was good—even if it didn’t feel good at the time. I repeated over and over to myself, God loves me and God loves James. I said it until I believed it.

GCF: That's so good. Preaching the words we know are true in our heads but don’t feel in our heart until we really believe them is so important.

Sandra, you briefly mention the false hope of the prosperity gospel. Can you briefly define the prosperity gospel and tell why it’s such a temptation for parents and a terrible idol?

Sandra: In my life, the prosperity gospel snuck its way into my belief system because I subconsciously believed my deeds influenced God’s love toward me, and therefore his blessings upon me. Generally speaking, the prosperity gospel teaches that God's favor is equal to his tangible blessings on your life. This is especially terrible for special-needs parents to believe, because it makes you feel at fault for any suffering. And when suffering comes, like it does for everyone, you take on the additional burden of guilt or shame.

James 1:17 helped me realize that even autism could be a good gift from my good Father, not a punishment for me or for James. That verse says, “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father…”

GCF: Sandra, what encouragements would you give to a mom and dad who are at different stages in their grief? How can they learn to have compassion for and support one another?

Sandra: To have grace for each other! And to pray for each other and over each other. The Holy Spirit works in different ways in each one of us, and we trust in his work to accomplish God’s will. That will be a different process for each person. We need to avoid judging each other and instead work together, giving grace.

GCF: I heard Paul Miller say once that you can't love someone who you aren't praying for. I think there is truth to that. Getting on our knees for our spouse or child is one of the things God uses to shape a heart of compassion in us for our spouse (and for our kids!).

Stage 4 is so important! One of your encouragements is to find people who have had similar experiences. But some families are in churches where there may not be other families who have experienced similar circumstances. What counsel would you give to these families?

Sandra: This is a great question, especially for our friends who have children with rare diagnosis. They often feel alone. One of the good gifts of living right now is we have the internet to connect with others who are in similar situations! Just like what we’re using it for today! So they can find and connect with others who are similar to them. And then see that online space as a mission field!

Also, we sometimes have to lay aside some differences and realize how alike we really are. I can encourage others because I point them to the hope I have in Christ, not because our kids are exactly alike and I can give them a roadmap for the next ten years of their lives. Be willing to connect with those in similar but not exactly the same situations.

GCF: That's super great! I've talked to parents who initially felt resistant to that, but who have found great comfort in an online community once they pressed in.

Sandra: I think it’s good to remember these online communities may be there to serve you for a season. They may be encouraging while you're in phase 2, rebuilding rhythms, but when you're in phase 5 and ready to be an advocate, you may move past what they offer. And that’s ok!

GCF: You talked about how when moms and dads get to stage 5, they are ready to serve but also can have lots of opinions. Any practical tips that you would give to church ministry leaders at this stage to help them both support parents and manage opinions/expectations?

Sandra: I’d encourage them to see themselves and parents as being on the same team, going for the same goal. Parents may need to understand the limitations a church has (especially smaller churches). If ministry leaders have to say no to something a parent wants, they can share the reasons and work together for a compromise or pray together for a solution in the future. They may need to pray together for more buddy volunteers or the budget for a sensory toy that would help. Being together, instead of against each other, is a huge help!

GCF: I love how you come back to prayer throughout your talk and in every answer to our questions. If we remember and practice our unity in Christ in this way, I do believe God will give us wisdom in navigating such emotion-filled desires and ministry choices.

I appreciated you addressing the cliche phrases people tend to use when comforting a grieving parent whose life has been turned upside down after a new diagnosis. Phrases such as: “God won't give you any more than you can handle.” Nevertheless, some parents have heard these messages, and they struggled with deep feelings of shame—as if they should be able to handle their new circumstances but I can’t. How would you combat this mentality with a grieving parent?

Sandra: Point them to the truth in Scripture that is actually helpful! I like to remind parents that God will never leave them or forsake them (Hebrews 13:5). “In this world, we will have tribulation, but Christ has overcome the world” (John 16:33). “The Lord is a stronghold in times of trouble” (Psalm 9:9). And my go-to every day, John 15:5, “I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing.”

GCF: One of my favorite go-to’s is, “When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.” The truth is God does give us more than we can handle, so that we rely on his grace for our strength. Thanks, Sandra, for joining us for this conversation.

The Glorious Hope video conference is for church ministry leaders and volunteers who understand the value of individuals with disabilities and want to create an inclusive and inviting culture that meets the unique needs of people with disabilities and their families. Dan Darling, Sandra Peoples, and Alix Carruth explore how the gospel values people with disabilities, help ministry leaders address specific challenges, and cast vision for the joy and possibilities of life in a special needs family. Learn more and order here for just 15 dollars.

The 5 Phases of Special Needs Parenting: An Interview with Sandra Peoples