How to Respond When Teens Have Difficult Questions
Ever notice how curious kids can be? Every kid’s favorite question is “Why?”: Why do I have to take a bath? Why do I have to clean my room? Why can’t I hit my sister? Why do I have to go to bed?
Now that my kids are teens, the whys are more difficult. Why do I have to use deodorant? Why can’t I play video games all day long? (Okay, those two aren’t that hard, but how about these…) Why doesn’t he like me? Why is God doing this to me?
Even teenagers who are young believers and searching for answers by reading the Bible can get discouraged. My kids ask questions about Old Testament sexuality (What’s a concubine?), about our theological confession (Can you explain the Trinity to me?), and about how what we say is true about God relates to the difficulties of life (Why does God allow suffering?). Sometimes the search for answers to their questions just births more questions.
How do we handle this increasing complexity as parents? Of course, we know that we should turn to God’s Word. But what are we looking for when we get there? The ultimate answer is Jesus, of course. Jesus is the center point of the Bible—and not just the Bible but of all of history. Jesus is the truest Truth. He is also the way and the life; he’s the only way to the Father (John 14:6). When the questions get difficult, our job as parents is to help our kids find answers. But, as we do, we must point to Christ along the way. At first, the “Jesus juke” answer seems a bit abstract. But the gospel is actually quite practical.
Consider Deuteronomy 6:20–25 (ESV):
“When your son asks you in time to come, ‘What is the meaning of the testimonies and the statutes and the rules that the Lord our God has commanded you?’ then you shall say to your son, ‘We were Pharaoh's slaves in Egypt. And the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand. And the Lord showed signs and wonders, great and grievous, against Egypt and against Pharaoh and all his household, before our eyes. And he brought us out from there, that he might bring us in and give us the land that he swore to give to our fathers. And the Lord commanded us to do all these statutes, to fear the Lord our God, for our good always, that he might preserve us alive, as we are this day. And it will be righteousness for us if we are careful to do all this commandment before the Lord our God, as he has commanded us.’
This passage breaks down into two sections: the question (vs. 20) and the answer (vs. 21-25). What can we learn from what is asked and how the parent responds? Here are five observations:
First, the son’s question implies that he has a good relationship with his parents, the kind of relationship where the child can bring his questions to his parents without fear. It’s this kind of relationship we want to have with our kids. All relationships require at least two parties, but it’s up to parents to do everything that’s necessary and possible to maintain this kind of relationship with their kids. As kids grow, this becomes less and less of an easy task. But an open and honest relationship is what is envisioned by fifth commandment as well as Ephesians 6:2–4. One of the things I appreciate about my wife, Cheryl, is that she likes to have our kids’ friends into our home. And Cheryl doesn’t just allow Kate and Tom to invite their friends over and then leave them alone; she’ll order a pizza and then we’ll eat with them, laugh together, and ask intentional questions. That’s Cheryl’s way of cultivating the kind of environment in our home where our kids (and their friends) know that it’s safe to be open and ask.
Second, notice that there’s a question behind the son’s question. What does the child really want to know? He’s wondering, “Is God real? Is faith real? Can faith be mine?” When kids have questions, it’s good to be prepared to give some biblical answers. It’s important for us to be growing in our own understanding of God, that is, our own understanding of theology, so that we’re prepared when questions come. Be the best theologian you can be, but also know that it’s okay to say “I don’t know, but we can look for the answers together.” In every case, it’s important that we respond in a way that cultivates deeper trust in God and not anxiety over getting the answers perfectly right.
Third, notice that the response God gives to parents is rooted in the message of redemption. This question and answer given to families is something that’s rehearsed in the midst of the annual Passover festival. The God-given response that Israelite parents are instructed to memorize is essentially a history lesson.
Our answers should be rooted in history as well—in the Jesus of history. The Bible is God’s story of redemption. We sometimes call it redemptive history. It’s the message of creation, fall, redemption, and new creation. In God’s story, we see the concrete things he’s done for his people. The Israelites were slaves in Egypt, but God revealed himself to them as holy in his just judgment of the Egyptians. He brought them out of slavery—redeeming and freeing them.
Our response to our teens should be equally rooted in the message of redemption. Our kids need to know more than Bible facts. They need to know who Jesus is and what he’s done for them. That doesn’t mean that you ignore their legitimate questions and simply preach the gospel. But you should see those times when hard questions come and you’re looking for answers together with your teen as an opportunity to preach the gospel.
Fourth, the parent in the passage is careful to explain how the child fits into the story. This can be the most difficult part because it involves helping your child to be honest about their brokenness and helping them see their need for the Savior. Just as the Israelites were slaves in Egypt, we were slaves to sin (John 8:34; Eph. 2:1). Before we can experience God’s grace, we must despair over our sin and how heinous it is before a holy God. That’s true for our kids too, and we can’t sugarcoat this. For our kids to see their need for grace, they also need a clear sense of the utter ruin of their souls apart from Christ. They need to repent and believe the good news that has been revealed in Jesus (Acts 2:37–40). It’s important to have regular conversations about their need for repentance, and these conversations should take place at times when you’re not correcting your kids.
Finally, Moses tells the parents to instruct their children in obedience, because “it will be righteousness for us.” What is righteousness? Righteousness involves fulfilling the just expectations of a covenant relationship. Biblically speaking, it involves a state of integrity in our relationship to God and people that expresses itself in our speech and actions. The Law demanded perfect obedience as the pathway to righteousness; perfect righteousness as the pathway to life (Deut. 60:25; Gal. 3:10). But God has made a way for us to have righteousness apart from the Law. In order to secure righteousness for us, the Father sent Jesus. Christ secured righteousness for us through his perfect life and death on the cross.
As a result, Christians approach God’s demands for obedience from the standpoint of having already been declared righteous. We’re God’s adopted children, and nothing that we have done, do, or will do can change our identity as part of his family. In Christ, we’ve been given the Spirit, and now we have the ability to live in obedience to God’s law of love. The goal of redemptive history is a final glorious day when all of creation will be renewed in God’s righteousness.
In light of these realities, what does it look like to instruct our children in obedience and righteousness? When it comes to teaching obedience, it’s important not only to give your kids the what or how but to also give them the why. Help them to see that we love others because Christ first loved us (1 John 4:19). Teach them to think about the big reasons that we obey—God’s goodness, greatness, and his love—and teach them to cultivate a heart of worship. All of life should lead our hearts back to rejoicing in him. Modeling a worshipful life that focuses on God’s greatness will cultivate in kids the motivation to obey God and love their neighbor.
It’s so encouraging to me that God expected kids to ask questions. And it’s also encouraging that he gave Moses words to prepare parents for those questions. As our kids grow up and the questions get more difficult, may God use us to point them to the story of redemption. May he give them a clearer understanding of their sin; may he use us to foster in them a life of worship and closer communion with God. And may that relationship overflow into our teenagers’ daily lives.
How are you responding to your teen’s questions? What do you find encouraging about these instructions from Deuteronomy 6?
Thanks to Isabella Wu, the talented Love Thy Neighborhood writing and editing intern who is working with Gospel-Centered Family this Spring, for her help making these sermon notes into a blog post.